Dating Apps

A Mushroom Ragu Recipe

When you're single and ready to mingle it can sometimes be difficult to find ideal opportunities to partake in said mingling and just what is a busy person to do? Die alone? No. You take your search for love to online dating apps such as Hinge, Bumble, JDate, FarmersOnly, or god forbid, Tinder. These apps often seem to be the only viable option in this crazy, modern world because talking to strangers is hard and you can never be too sure someone's not carrying a knife. Ultimately though, most everyone seems to agree that this method of finding a match is a depressing slog that gets sadder with every fizzled out conversation. Well, what if I told you that there's a no fuss, no muss dating service that guarantees you a match with your one, true soul mate and there's no swiping required? Sound too good to be true?
Allow me to introduce you to Twin Flames Universe. All you have to do is give them your email address and a little bit of money. Only like $4,500. A paltry sum that nets you access to all of the Twin Flame Universe coursework and their newsletter, which you can even get in German if you want! Then all you have to do is take the Ascension classes, stare at yourself in the mirror a bit, and guru Jeff just tells you who your Twin Flame is over Zoom. I mean, your one true soul mate. How cool is that? He's got such a gift.
I signed up a few weeks ago and it didn't take long before my own Twin Flame was revealed to me. Her name is Sheila and they said she is the one for me because she smiled at me and called me "Hon" when she was taking my order at George Webb's. Guru Jeff encouraged me to doggedly pursue her and after four straight nos, she finally agreed to go on a date with me to the local trampoline park. We've been inseparable ever since.
It has now unfortuately become a bit apparent that we don't actually have a whole lot in common and she seems to take a perverse joy in eroding my self-esteem, but I love her. I do. Relationships take work and having the opportunity to be in one with your one true soulmate is well worth a little bit of duress. A friend of mine told me I might have Stockholm syndrome, but I've never even been to Norway? They don't like her very much, but I think they're just jealous that I'm in a Harmonious Twin Flame Union (tm) and they live alone with their cat.
Anyway, the other night Shelia and I were watching this documentary called Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God and we couldn't believe what we were seeing. How could these poor souls not realize they were joining a bonafide, real life, actual cult? These sad bastards were just being duped into giving all their time and money to a delusional narcissist! The leader was this woman called "Mother God" who believed (along with her followers) that she was the one true god and they made a stupid amount of money by giving ludicrous self help advice over the internet and selling supplements and candles and shit. Unfortunately, Mother God "ascended" by consuming nothing but colloidal silver and alcohol and dying of organ failure.
The cult generally seemed to live a pretty chill life, though. They mostly seemed to just get drunk and high and live stream themselves hanging out. The only real downside (other than Father God, don't even get me started on that guy) seemed to be having to cater to Mother God's every whim and incurring her wrath if you failed to meet her expectations. One sure way to piss of a deity? Bad food. Thankfully, there's an easy to follow guideline.

mother god's demands

The rules seem to be fairly straight forward and her diet seemed easy enough to cater to. Nachos, spaghetti, quesadillas? How can you fuck up a quesadilla?

i have taken mother's joy

by making her the worst quesadilla

in all of creation

I have no words, but the situation was and IS clearly dire. Our cult leaders are NOT being taken care of in a way that will sate their appetites, nourish their bodies, and fuel their spiritual growth. This is where I come in. Since I'm in between jobs and the majority of my Twin Flame Sheila's waitressing money typically goes to the tracks, I am currently in need of gainful employment and I'd like to humbly submit my Mushroom Ragu recipe as an application to be the new God's personal chef. My rates are quite reasonable.

The Mushroom Ragu


First, gather all your supplies in one place. You're trying to cook here, not go on a last second scavenger hunt because your fucking housemate doesn't believe in putting something in the same place twice. You'll need mushrooms (I used a blend of mini bellas, oysters, and shiitake), garlic, butter, a hunk of parmesan, white wine vinegar, Italian parsley, rosemary, and lemon thyme. You could probably use regular thyme, but we're trying to impress here.

sauteed onion

Next you sautee the onions in the butter until they start getting nice and clear, adding the garlic when it seems prudent, and season to taste.

stuff in the pot

Then throw in your mushrooms and vinegar, reduce that down a little, and add some water, rosemary, thyme, and the rind of your parmesan. If you're a disciple of kitchen majicks, now is the time to recite your incantations.

all done

Lastly, you just let that simmer, adjust your seasonings, and let it reduce to the desired consistency. When that's finished, you pull out the rosemary and what's left of the rind, stir in your fresh parsley, et voila. As the kids say, "GG EZ."

food served

While this ragu is delicious on its own, it's even better when served with carbs. You could serve it over pappardelle like I did here or it would be great with polenta or even on toast. Just grate some fresh parmesan on top and enjoy. Get at me cult recruiters.

The Recipe

Mushroom Ragu

1. Sautee onion in 1/2 stick of butter until translucent and add garlic. Sautee about 1 minute more.
2. Add the rest of your butter, the mushrooms, and vinegar and let cook down for a few minutes.
3. Add 1 cup water, rosemary, thyme, and the rind of your parmesan. Cook low and slow until reduced to desired consistency.
4. Remove the rosemary and parmesan rind and serve.