A Pesto Pasta Recipe

So I was hanging with my broscientist homies on r/nootropics the other day and I came across an interesting discussion about whether or not it's important that the various, sketchy website sourced chemicals we're putting into our bodies are FDA approved. For those of you who are unfamiliar with nootropics, it's a bit like a business bro version of natural medicine except they don't actually care if it's natural. Or medicine. A bit down the thread I found an intriguing unsourced annecdote about an FDA approved diabetic medicine that had some interesting side effects.

reddit post

Of all places! It turns out that this is actually kind of true, but Fournier's Gangrene is contracted when bacteria gets through a cut on your perenium. It's also what's responsible for making Harvey Weinstein's balls fall off. Isn't that nice? Anyway, this was all news to me because the only other time I've heard mention of flesh eating bacteria localized in the rectum, it was in one star user reviews of the local Olive Garden.

olive garden review

If you often find yourself lured in by the tantalizing tastes of the world's finest, most authentic Italian restaurant this is, of course, terrible news. Don't worry, though. I've got you covered. If you're in the mood for noods and are also suddenly concerned about necrotizing fasciitis, this quick and easy (and shamelessly ripped off from a Taste the World box from when they actually sent you recipes and ingredients for them and not just random shit) pesto pasta recipe won't require a whole lot of effort OR a full course of antibiotics.

The Pesto


So what you need is basil, garlic, olive oil, pine nuts, and parmesan cheese. All you gots to do is huck all of that into a blender and blend away, adding more cheese or oil if it seems necessary or you just want to see what will happen.

sauce ingredients

One thing to note is that it is VERY important to remove the basil leaves from the stems. Learned this one the hard way. I, in my infinite hubris, was like "Look at all this basil. Ain't nobody got time for that! It's going in the blender anyway." Guess who was picking spiky, unchewable stems out of their mouth every few bites.

The Resto

Ah yeah, you see that rhyme I just did? I'm fucking hilarious. This next part is so easy even a child could do it. It does involve boiling water though, so if you're making your children cook for you, only let your least favorite one handle that part.
For this you want some extra wide egg noodles, peas, and mozarella pearls. If you wanted to be autentico about it you would probably use pappardelle, but the closest analog I can find in my area are extra wide egg noodles. Made by the Amish. Like God intended.
First, cook that pasta according to the instructions on the package. Or don't. You're your own person.

noodles boiling

While that's happening you can heat up the peas if you're able to multi-task. I use frozen peas, but straight from the can is also a choice you could make. I wouldn't make it, but you could.


If you were wondering why I took two extremely close up pictures when I could've done just one, considering both were on the stove at the same time, let me explain. My mother fucking housemate has left two pans full of dirty deep frying oil (and the adjacent splatter) on the stove for the last month and a half (he's "gonna reuse it") and I didn't want to showcase his filth.

The Finished Product

Alright, pasta time! If instead of mixing the pesto and the rest into your noodles like a normal person, you want to be like me, pile a generous portion of noodles, peas, and mozarella pearls onto your cheapest looking plastic plate and then unceremoniously plop down some nice fat globs of your pesto right on top. You'll now have an unappetizing photo for your food blog, but also a dinner that (probably) won't send you to the hospital.

pesto pasta

The Recipe


1. Combine ingredients in blender and pulse until desired consistency.