Search Engine Optimization
A Molded Ham and Egg Salad Recipe
According to what little of my site metrics I understand, it seems that my single most viewed recipe is the one for Beef Fudge. This is disheartening to me as this is actually a very serious attempt at a cooking blog. "How can I start getting people to take this seriously? How can I get more eyes on the page?" I wondered. While I was pondering these and many other mysteries of the universe, I stumbled across this thing called "search engine optimization" that sounded like just what I needed.
I read about it for like five minutes and decided I should try to implement it on this site. You know, put a little detour on the internet superhighway, divert some of that traffic this way. Really try to build my brand.
From my in-depth research, I learned that if you just throw up a bunch of words on a page, search engines will then associate your site with searches for those words. Please humor me for a moment. Hoping to get this on the Google.
BEST RECIPE EVER BEEF FUDGE RECIPE BEST FOOD EVER WAS 9/11 AN INSIDE JOB HAUTE CUISINE FANTASY FOOTBALL CULINARY DELIGHT RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD FINE ART CRYPTO CURRENCY NFT BEAUTY TIPS LIFE HACKS JOE ROGAN HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA MOLDED SALAD UFC HOT WINGS JELLO SALAD THE HOLOCAUST TAYLOR SWIFT THE BOURGEOISIE AND THE PROLETARIAT WINE MOM LIVE LAUGH LOVE TANTALIZING TASTE SEND ME ASPIC JELLIED HAM MEME RECIPE INDUSTRIAL SOCIETY AND ITS FUTURE CHAT GPT MCDONALDS PIZZA BEST FOOD BLOG TRUE CRIME PODCAST MOM JEANS RESTAURANTS NEAR ME VEGAN RECIPES RECIPES FOR VALENTINE'S DAY REPTILIAN OVERLORDS 50 EASY DINNER IDEAS EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
That ought to help a little. But I guess if I really want those coveted clicks I've got to give the internet what it wants. I was recently introduced to a fine dining cookbook from 1973 called The New Joys of Jell-O and it's a veritable treasure trove of culinary delights that would delight the taste buds of even the most refined gourmand. I studiously pored over this manuscript, worked tirelessly deciphering its archaic text. Many of our ancient ancestors' turns of phrase baffle me. Dream whip? Rotary beater? What the fuck is a melba?
Anyway, I opened it to a random page and this is what happened. This one goes out to the true pioneers of our past who dreamt of mixing... nay, DARED to mix fruity gelatin with what would have been perfectly good leftovers. This is for all you die hard, real deal foodies out there. Leave a comment below if you want to see more recipes like this and if you enjoy this content be sure to like, subscribe, and hit that bell. It really helps the channel.
The Molded Ham and Egg Salad
First you want to get all your stuff together. You'll need eggs (boiled), ham (to be cubed*), celery**, onion, vinegar, and lemon-flavored gelatin. You don't need to go brand name, but I sprung for the good stuff. You'll also need some tomatoes, greens, and chicken broth, but more on that later.
*Sure, you can buy pre-cubed ham, but if your grocery store has a salad bar you could probably just slip some into your pocket when no one's looking.
**According to my sous chef this isn't "actually clean" straight out of the bag and it "needs to be rinsed" before you use it. I'm pretty sure that just washes off all the good bacteria, but they have many bizarre rituals.
Prepping is easy enough. You just chop everything up into similarly sized chunks. Except for one egg, which you slice. Make sure your knife is nice and sharp, as it will make the cutting easier and safer. We don't have any sharp knives at my place because my fucking housemate has been "practicing for the knife throwing game at the Ren Faire" and chucking them all at the pear tree in the backyard. Honestly, that's not actually true. I just made that up because it sounds more interesting than "doesn't know how to take care of knives."
Anyway, you then make the gelatin how you normally would, except you proceed to ruin your perfectly good dessert by adding salt and vinegar because sometimes it feels good to destroy something beautiful. Once that's all together, reserve some and put the the majority in an ice bath.
Put the reserved gelatin in your loaf pan, or whatever you're using and let it calm down a bit in the fridge. Once it's set, but not firm, lay the egg slices down in a way that makes you smile, and put it back in the fridge. It should stay in there long enough for you to start wondering where it all went wrong and what terrible life decisions led to you making this in the first place.
While that's setting up, fold all your cubed bits into the rest of the gelatin, making sure everything is nice and evenly distributed. This ensures that every bite will be just as terrible as the last. Once finished, pour the gelatin-with-cubed-bits over the egg slices, smooth it out, and put it back in the fridge. It needs to stay in there for a while to completely firm up which should be more than enough time to use Google and a calculator to try and figure out how many cow hooves you'll soon be ingesting.
That's really all there is to it. But I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "But Leroy, Molded Ham and Egg Salad alone makes a complete meal not." Despite the strange way you phrased that, you would be correct. Don't worry, the book has you covered. To make it a Keep Fit Salad Luncheon Platter it suggests adding some lettuce and two tomato slices. Oh, and "an appetizer of chicken broth." I was going to call people from the 70's insane and make a joke about lead in the gas and paint and all that, but then I remembered that "bone broth" is a thing.
The Finished Product
You might notice there's no nice picture of a single slice atop a bed of lettuce beside two perfectly thin tomato slices. That's because it started to fall apart the instant I cut into it. The Jell-O was crumbly and decided, seemingly at random, which savory morsels it actually wanted to cling to. I did't think it necessary to include a picture of this thing looking even worse than it already does.
It should be noted that unlike any of my other recipes, I just started trashing this one in the middle of explaining how to make it. There's a reason for that. It's... well, in a word, abysmal. I made the luncheon platter because I wanted the full experience and would sooner go back for seconds on the straight chicken broth. If you've ever eaten a lemon drop and thought, "this would be way better if it was a cold, gelatinous slime that, as well as tasting sweet and lemony, also tasted like ham and onions" then this is the recipe for you. If you've never once had that thought, I mean, you can still make it if you want. It's your life.
The Recipe
Molded Ham and Egg Salad
- 2 packages Lemon Gelatin Mix (3 oz.)
- 1/4 tsp Salt
- 2 cups Boiling Water
- 1 1/2 cups Cold Water
- 1 tbsp Vinegar
- 2 diced Hard Boiled Eggs
- 1 sliced Hard Boiled Egg
- 2 cups finely chopped Cooked Ham
- 1 cup finely chopped Celery
- 2 tbsp diced Onion
1. Dissolve gelatin and salt in boiling water.
2. Add cold water and vinegar.
3. Set aside 1/2 cup and put the rest in the fridge for about an hour.
4. Pour the 1/2 cup into an 8x4 loaf pan. Chill for about 15 minutes.
5. Arrange egg slices on bottom of pan.
6. Fold the chopped ingredients into remaining gelatin mixture and pour over the gelatin in the pan.
7. Chill until firm - about 6 hours.
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